Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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