I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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