I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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