Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Randomize