i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
