Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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