there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
