was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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