I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
