Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
