I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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