He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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