I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
