please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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