Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
