Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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