Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
