I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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