i permit you to call me
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
