Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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