Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
