I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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