I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
