either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
