can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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