Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
