how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
