he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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