She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
