I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i believe in u and ur pee
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
