fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We are all done wearing pants today
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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