Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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