Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
