so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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