i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
