I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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