haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
