Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
