guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
