it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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