and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
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