We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
