i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
