its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
