I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
