I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
