i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
