I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
