I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
