Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm passing your future prison.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize