I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
