sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
