i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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