i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
