covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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