It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
