oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
