how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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