Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
