Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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