You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
