he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
