she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
