So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You have to summon your inner elephant
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
