Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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